<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Things Are Going To Be Different This Time by FallenAngel_813</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158628">Things Are Going To Be Different This Time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenAngel_813/pseuds/FallenAngel_813'>FallenAngel_813</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Graduate School, Lonely Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:27:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,434</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158628</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenAngel_813/pseuds/FallenAngel_813</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As Castiel steps out of his car, feet hitting the pavement of the place that will practically be his home for the next four years, he forces himself to take a deep breath.</p><p>Things are going to be different this time, Castiel thinks to himself, repeating the mantra he has been chanting for the past three months.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! This is my first fanfic ever, though I've been an avid reader in the last few years. Please leave comments or kudos if you like it so I know to keep writing! Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Castiel POV</strong>
</p><p>As Castiel steps out of his car, feet hitting the pavement of the place that will practically be his home for the next four years, he forces himself to take a deep breath.</p><p><em>Things are going to be different this time, </em>Castiel thinks to himself, repeating the mantra he has been chanting for the past three months.</p><p>Castiel slowly looks around at the towering buildings, sunlight gleaming off the glass windows. He takes in the large oak trees and the pond he can see in the distance, curving behind the building in which he will begin to shape the rest of his life.</p><p>Sighing, Castiel reaches for his backpack from the passenger seat of his old 1978 Lincoln Continental. The car had been sitting stagnant at a junkyard, collecting dust for years before Castiel had been able to buy it for cheap last year. Considering his significant lack of expendable income, it was his only chance to get himself from his hometown in Junction, CO to the small, homey town of Lawrence, KS. Castiel is just grateful for the chance to leave his hometown and past behind in hopes of finally following his dream of earning his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, even if it means driving around in the old car.</p><p>Hearing a car door slam in the distance, Castiel jumps. As he comes back to himself, he realizes he had been standing with his car door open, backpack slung across his shoulder, with no idea how long he had been stuck in his thoughts. <em>Goddamnit Castiel, get it together, </em>he sighs. <em>I haven’t even made it inside yet and I’m already losing it.</em></p><p>Castiel forces himself to shut the door of his car and begins to walk toward the building, not even bothering to lock it. <em>Not like I have anything worth stealing anyway. Unless you count the suitcases of thrift store clothes in the trunk I haven’t dropped off at my new apartment yet, </em>Castiel scoffs.</p><p>Reaching the front door of the building, Castiel takes another deep breath and forces himself to keep walking. Pushing open the door, he looks slowly around. Castiel notes the tile floors directly inside the glass doors, the desk lining the wall that was covered in flyers and general information, and a wide staircase leading to the second floor, where he knows his class will be.</p><p>Castiel’s heart starts to race just thinking about all the new people he will have to meet. He can’t stop thinking back to the last school, remembering how hard things had gotten by the end. <em>What if the same thing happens again? What if I can’t move on? What if the problem really </em>was<em> me? </em></p><p>Without thinking, Castiel reaches up and runs his hand through his meticulously styled hair, forgetting the 30 minutes he had spent that morning forcing his unruly, dark brown hair to stay in place.</p><p><em>No, I can’t have a panic attack here. Just make it to the class and find a seat. That’s all I have to do right now. Deep breaths, things are going to be different this time, </em>Castiel reminds himself. After taking a few deep breaths, Castiel feels his heart begin to calm. His hands, that he hadn’t even realized had started to shake, begin to steady.</p><p>Taking one more deep breath, Castiel finally takes the first step towards the stairs and is able to carry himself forward until he makes it to the top. At this point, he has to look around the signs to point him in the direction of room 251. Having found that his class will be down the right hallway, he begins to slowly walk the hall until he comes to the correct class.</p><p>Looking inside, Castiel realizes he was one of the first students there. Feeling relieved, he takes a seat near the back of the room, hoping that other students joining soon will choose to sit anywhere other than next to him. While Castiel had originally been excited to meet new people and make friends during this new start, he quickly concluded that it would be safer to stick to himself and not even risk the heartbreak and betrayal that he had always experienced with people he had considered friends.</p><p>One by one, more students begin to trickle into the classroom, until there are about 9 present. Castiel watched as each new person finds a seat closer to the front of the room, effectively leaving him to himself. Castiel begins to think he is safe from sitting next to another student when the clock reaches only two minutes before class begins. Seeing the professor walk in and take her position at the front of the class, Castiel breathes a sigh of relief.</p><p>The clock finally struck 9 am, signaling the beginning of his first lecture as a graduate student. The professor begins to take out her notes and load her lesson on the screen, informing them that today will be used primarily as an introduction to the course material and for the students to have a chance to introduce themselves. While Castiel is not excited to speak in front of his peers, he is looking forward to learning about adult psychopathology and figures that a few minutes of awkwardness will be worth it in the end.</p><p>Just as Castiel is beginning to feel at ease, thinking that things are, for once, going his way, the door of the classroom flies open and a man comes stumbling through, apologizing profusely for being late to the seminar. The professor waves him on, being generous due to it being the first day, but reminds everyone that tardiness will be unacceptable moving forward.</p><p>As the man begins eyeing the seats looking for a place to sit, Castiel suddenly realizes the only options still available are a few seats in the front row or the one still open next to him. <em>Please not here </em>is all Castiel can think before the man's eyes settle on the seat next to him.</p><p>The man settles into the chair and pulls out his laptop to take any notes he may need while Castiel attempts to avoid eye contact, hoping he will be ignored. Unfortunately, Castiel was never one to get what he wants.</p><p>“Hey, my name’s Dean,” the man leans over to whisper, trying not to interrupt the class for a second time.</p><p>Sighing for what feels like the hundredth time that day, Castiel looks over at the stranger to introduce himself. Seeing the man properly for the first time, though, Castiel’s words stall. This close, Castiel is able to clearly see his short, dirty-blond hair, his strong jawline, and full lips. But what caught and holds his attention is the bright, captivating green of his eyes. After a few seconds, Castiel realizes he has been staring for longer than what would be considered “socially acceptable”.</p><p>Cheeks heating, Castiel finally responds, “Hello Dean. My name is Castiel.”</p><p>
  <strong>Dean POV</strong>
</p><p>Dean drums his fingers on the dash of his car, silently praying for the light to turn green. He knew there was a chance of him being late when he chose to drive Sam to school, but he had been optimistic, hoping that he would get lucky. Dean will never regret putting Sammy first, though.</p><p>Even though Sam technically has a driver's license, they had never been able to afford to buy him his own car. And even though he knows Sam could have just taken the bus or called an Uber to drop him off, Dean’s stubbornness and pride wouldn’t let him miss dropping Sam off on his first day of college, just like he did when Sam started highschool.</p><p><em>Man, Sam’s really grown up, </em>Dean thinks to himself, feeling both pride and a sudden sadness at the thought that someday, Sam wouldn’t need him anymore.</p><p>Lost in thought, Dean thinks of the last 4 years that he’s taken care of Sammy on his own. It had been hard and they had barely scraped by, but it’s not like their dad gave them much of a choice when he walked out and never came back. Now at 23 years old, Dean knows he was more of a dad to Sam than John ever was, he wouldn’t change a thing. He will continue to sacrifice and do whatever he needs to do to make sure Sam gets everything he needs.</p><p>Hearing a car honk behind him, Dean realizes the light had finally turned green. Waving in apology, he hits the gas and finally makes it to the school parking lot. Now in a rush considering he’s already late, he scrambles to grab his bag from the backseat and hops out of the car. He rushes into the building and up the stairs, glad that he had come by the school last week to take a look around so that he knows exactly where his first class will be.</p><p>Reaching the right classroom, he quickly opens the door and enters, barely paying attention to the professor as he looks for a seat. The first open seats he notices are in the very front row, and while he is looking forward to the class and learning what he can, he scans the rest of the class, hoping something else, <em>anything else</em>, is open.</p><p>Finally seeing one last open seat in the back row, Dean quickly makes his way over and plops into the seat, quickly getting out what he needs for the next 3 hours of the class. Feeling relieved to have settled in, Dean takes a minute to look around the room. He takes note of the small group of students and the professor starting to go over the course syllabus, assuming her name must be Dr. Harvelle if the name on the board is any indication.</p><p>While Dean isn’t typically one to go out of his way to meet new people, he acknowledges that knowing at least one person in each of his classes would be helpful in case he ever has to miss a lecture. With that on his mind, he looks over to the man sitting to his left, noting that his gaze is locked on the professor, pointedly not looking in Dean’s direction.</p><p>Sighing, Dean knows the man probably doesn’t want to be interrupted, but knows he needs to try anyway. Sam made a big deal this morning about Dean actually making friends this year considering he’s put off his friendships the last four years to take care of him. <em>At least I can tell Sam I tried, </em>Dean resolves himself as he leans over and whispers, “Hey, my name’s Dean.”</p><p>As the man takes a breath and turns toward him, Dean expects to be dismissed. Confusion overrides all other thoughts, though, when the man finally makes eye contact and suddenly goes still. Dean has to consciously hold in the startled gasp when he sees the brilliant blue of the man’s eyes.</p><p>While he had come out to Sam about two years ago as bi, he has rarely actually dated men and still has to remind himself that it’s okay to be attracted to them. At this moment, though, the thought of <em>wrong</em> never crosses his mind. All he can do is stare into the depths of the man’s eyes, imagining the endless oceans and rivers that seem to flow through them.</p><p>After what feels like an eternity, but still too soon, the man seems to remember where they are. In a low, gravelly voice that doesn’t seem to belong to him, he finally responds.</p><p>“Hello, Dean. My name is Castiel.”</p><p>Shaken out of his stupor, Dean takes in the features of the man he had not yet noticed. He sees his soft features and stubble on his face, looking as if he hasn’t shaved in at least a few days. He notices his messy hair that looks as if hands had been running through it and his plush lips that Dean knew he would be thinking about later.</p><p>Not trusting his voice to respond, Dean rigidly nods back to the man, deciding that it is safer to turn away for now and pay attention to the class so that he can gather his thoughts and talk to him more when class is over.</p><p>Turning back to face the professor, Dean has a hard time concentrating on anything other than the heat he can feel coming off Castiel. He spends the rest of the class trying to figure out what he wants to say to him before they leave.</p><p>After 3 hours of fighting to pay attention to the professor instead of staring at Castiel, Dean is relieved when they are dismissed. He finally feels ready to talk to the man without making a fool out of himself. When Dean looks to his left, though, he realizes with disappointment that Castiel is already rushing out of the room.</p><p>Resigned to the fact that Castiel obviously isn’t interested in talking to him, Dean finishes packing his things and heads back to his car. <em>Like I said, at least I can tell Sammy I tried, </em>Dean thinks to himself. <em>Maybe I’ll have better luck with the next person I meet.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Grateful that he was able to escape the class before Dean had the chance to talk to him again, Castiel feels relief when he reaches his car. <em>Fuck! It’s my first day and I’m already fucking everything up, </em>Castiel berates himself. He tosses his backpack into the passenger seat of the car and throws his face into his hands, sighing loudly and attempting to calm his racing heart and shaking hands.</p><p><em>“</em>They’re not here, they’re not here, they’re not here,” Castiel whispers to himself, even as he feels the whisper of ghost hands wrapped around his wrists.</p><p><em>I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, </em>he repeats to himself as he takes calming breaths, breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 4, and out for 4. Over and over he repeats this, remembering what his 6 months of therapy taught him last year.</p><p>After about five minutes, Castiel’s heart finally begins to calm and the feeling of nausea begins to pass. Knowing that he could start to panic all over again if he doesn’t give himself enough time, Castiel waits another ten minutes before feeling calm enough to finally drive to the apartment that he would now be calling home.</p><p>Castiel sighs, remembering that he hadn’t even had time to go to his new apartment to drop off his things or meet his new roommate before going to his first class. The drive from Colorado had taken longer than anticipated due to his car overheating just past the Colorado/Kansas border, forcing him to find a hotel to stay the night to get the water pump replaced. And considering his car, Castiel feels grateful it wasn’t something worse.</p><p>Feeling unprepared to put on a smile and act excited, Castiel resigns himself to the fact that he will have to pretend for at least the next few hours and begins driving to the address he pulls up on his GPS.</p><p>Looking around the small town as he drives, Castiel feels himself become excited for the prospect of exploring this new town. He’s even more excited to see the quaint bookstore he passes about 2 blocks from his new apartment. He smiles to himself, glad to know he will have something he loves so close to his new home.</p><p>Castiel drives up to the old building he remembers seeing pictures of on craigslist and pulls into an empty parking space. After turning off the car, he slowly gets out and looks around. While the building is old, Castiel is excited to see that it doesn’t look run-down. He determines that he quite likes the character of it and the towering trees throughout the property that he will be able to read under when given the chance.</p><p>With a small smile on his lips, Castiel reaches for his backpack before walking to the trunk of his car to retrieve a suitcase, deciding he can get the rest of his things later. He quickly finds the entrance and makes his way to the elevator to head to the 4<sup>th</sup> floor.</p><p>Having finally made it to the apartment he knows to be his new home, Castiel takes one more deep breath to prepare himself before knocking on the door.</p><p>Only a few seconds pass before the door is flying open. The only thing he registers before he feels arms wrapped around his waist is a sea of bright red hair.</p><p>“Hi! I’m so excited you’re here! You must be Castiel,” the woman exclaims, still holding her arms around him.</p><p>Having immediately tensed when the stranger touched him, Castiel forced himself to take deep breaths and ignore the screaming in his head that was trying to get him to free himself and run. “Yes, I am Castiel,” he replies stiffly, sounding almost out of breath.</p><p>After only a moment, the woman seems to realize that he’s uncomfortable and takes a step back. Eyeing him curiously, she steps back into the doorway saying, “Come on in! It sucks about your car keeping you from getting in early, but I’m excited you're here. Oh! By the way, my name’s Charlie in case you forgot from the Craigslist ad.”</p><p>Feeling better now that he isn’t being touched, Castiel steadies himself before stepping forward into the apartment. “I appreciate you letting me rent out your spare room. My car is fine now so, hopefully, I will not be having any more trouble with it for a while.”</p><p>“No worries! I’m happy having someone else around. And the extra cash doesn’t hurt either,” she jokes.</p><p> Castiel takes a moment to look around the apartment, appreciating the natural light allowed in through the many windows. He glances into the kitchen, noting the updated appliances and generous space, already excited to be able to cook in a real kitchen after spending the last few years in a run-down apartment with barely enough space to make a sandwich, let alone a real meal.</p><p>Tearing his eyes away from the kitchen, he looks over the living room. At first, he only notes a comfortable looking couch and doors that lead to a balcony. Looking closer, however, he is surprised to see the room appears to be set up with every gaming system he has ever seen, which honestly isn’t saying much considering he doesn’t play often, and a TV three times the size of his last one.</p><p>“I’m pretty big into gaming. I’m really into computers in general, actually. Being a software engineer, gaming kinda comes with the territory,” Charlie states with a smile on her face, appearing to see Castiel’s reaction.</p><p>“That sounds like fun, I’ve never really played much myself, but it appears I will be learning if I’m going to be living here,” Castiel jokes.</p><p>“Challenge accepted,” Charlie replies, now fully grinning, like a child in a candy shop.</p><p>“So which room is mine? I have a few more things to bring up before I need to get lunch and head back to campus for an afternoon class.”</p><p>“Oh of course. It’s the first room down the hall on the right. You’ll also have your own bathroom right across the hall. My room is at the end of the hall and I have a separate bathroom, so we’ll mostly be out of each other’s hair unless we’re in the living room or kitchen,” Charlie explains. “I’ll give you some time to get settled in, I actually need to head to work now since I took the morning off to make sure I was here to meet you.”</p><p>“Thank you Charlie. I apologize that my tardiness required you to take time off work, but I appreciate your hospitality.”</p><p>“Of course man! I’m just glad you made it! Here’s your key to the place, you’ll probably be back tonight before I am,” Charlie states, handing him the key.</p><p>Expressing his gratitude once more, Castiel follows Charlie to the door and waves goodbye before closing it behind her. Castiel lets out a breath of relief when he’s alone, glad to have a minute to himself. While he’s glad to have found such a kind roommate, Castiel hopes he doesn’t become overwhelmed with her outgoing personality. One of the reasons he chose this apartment, though, is because of the female roommate. <em>So no matter what else happens, I have at least one less thing to worry about,</em> he thinks to himself before a small smile appears on his lips.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>